If You Are Feeling Weary, You Are Not Alone.

/ Christina R. Smith / Leave a comment

I have begun to notice a shift with many clients and friends over the past week. It is like we have entered into this new phase of isolation/social distancing/stay-at-home way of being. Many of us rallied to do what needed to be done and we have stayed the course. We have settled into the routines of our new way of work, e-learning, cooking and round the clock clean-up. And we have physically separated ourselves from others.

And now many are “totally over it”.

I am hearing how folks are tired of the restrictions and tired of the mundane. AND that is COMPLETELY understandable. This shift is happening for lots of folks and some may be feeling themselves slipping into a state of weariness. When we feel weary and tired and bored, sometimes there can be an urge to rebel and sometimes it can lead to a place of hopeless – feeling like today is going to look like the day before and the day before looks like the day before and so on and so forth.

It may be time to assess if this is possible. I remember so many times during grad school when I was working two jobs, going to class, studying, taking care of my home and every day felt like the day before. Many times, I thought I was totally going to lose it or give up and jump off course completely. I kid you not. I had to shake things up from time to time in order to find renewed life and renewed energy and renewed focus.

Many of us say we do not like change but it is more likely that we don’t like change that is imposed on us. Change and variety (on our terms) can be energizing. Sometimes we have to add some variety in order to get that second wind. (And potentially a third and forth and fifth wind).

Maybe today is the day you do something different than the day before and the day before that…especially if you have felt yourself slipping towards weary.

Here are some possibilities…

Start a challenge with friends. – I am doing a daily yoga and plank challenge with a group of ladies.

Write notes of encouragement to send to others.

Write words of affirmation on post-its and hide them in your home for your kids or spouse to find.

Begin learning a new skill – calligraphy, an instrument, origami, card tricks. Show others what you’ve learned.

Try a new recipe. Add some unique things to your grocery list for the week.

Play balloon volleyball in your living room. Turn it into walleyball if you so choose.

Have crazy hair day – not just “don’t do your hair” day.

Get dressed up for the day.

Skip down the street with your kids.

Write a surprise sidewalk chalk message to neighbors but don’t let on that it was you.

Find a new musical and learn the songs and sing them loudly.

Watch funny cat videos.

Set down your screens for the day.

Bring back some of your old favorite tunes.

Plant something and begin caring for it.

Start looking for and identifying birds in your neighborhood.

Set up a zoom with an old friend or with family.

Read through joke books.

Play with legos.

Create.

Laugh.

Dance.

If you are feeling the weariness, you are not alone. It doesn’t make you weak and it doesn’t make you ungrateful for what you have.

If the discouragement and weariness is getting too heavy. Please reach out to your people. Or reach out to a pastor, support group or therapy office. You are not alone.

Please continue to care well for yourself. 

Fueling Peace at an Anxious time

/ Christina R. Smith / Leave a comment
In this pandemic state, we are talking a great deal about how to remain healthy and how to prepare for potential quarantines. There is a lot of information being disseminated regarding the virus. This information can be useful in learning how to best respond.
It is times like these when it is imperative to be aware of our own emotional state. Specifically, I want to address the issue of anxiety.
Symptoms of anxiety can include:
– restlessness or feeling keyed up or on edge
– being easily fatigued
– difficulty concentrated or one’s mind going blank
– racing thoughts
– physical symptoms such as trembling, racing pulse, shortness of breath
– irritability
– muscle tension
– sleep disturbance
Like this virus, some of us are more susceptible to anxiety than others. It is important to understand your own susceptibility (and those in your direct care) in these times.
Anxiety needs fuel to thrive. Sometimes we can eliminate the fuel source and sometimes we cannot eliminate the fuel source.
If you are feeling overwhelmed with anxiety during this pandemic, please consider if your anxiety is receiving energy from things that can be eliminated or reduced. Also, please keep in mind, as I stated earlier, that you may be more or less susceptible to anxiety than the next person. What your neighbor can tolerate with little increase in anxiety may differ from what you can tolerate.
To start, here are some questions to ask yourself and then consider if they can be reduced or eliminated.
Is my caffeine or sugar intake making me feel jittery?
Does scrolling on social media increase my racing thoughts?
Is the amount of news I am reading/watching increasing my sense of panic?
Are my conversations primarily about fears associated with the virus/fears of the potential impact?
Am I using numbing behaviors to escape?
Is my self-talk a spiral of complaint/comparison/what if’s?
In your attempt to care well for your emotional state, it is beneficial to consider something you desire instead of anxiety. For me, I desire peace. So we will use peace as an example. I am guilty of full-force fueling anxiety at certain times in my life. I have had moments of this throughout the past week and am recognizing the need to turn the tide.
What is best for me is when I consider how to fuel the emotion I actually want – PEACE. I have practices that I do on a regular basis that fuel peace in my life. It is crucial that I employ those practices now if peace is what I desire to fuel. Here are some things that bring me peace –
Spending time reading scripture
Taking walks
Listening to music
Listening to books
Singing
Exercising
Slowly repeating “I receive peace”
Cuddling and watching fun shows with my family
Dancing
Writing/journaling
Gratitude lists
Prayer
Having a conversation with the cashier
Complimenting a friend or a stranger
A hot shower
Taking my time while cooking a meal
Turning off my notifications and ringers
Sitting in silence
Stillness
Breathing deeply
Stretching
Laughing
Information is good. Learning what we are to do and taking appropriate steps is wise.
But please care for your emotional self well during this time. It is an incredibly important part of who you are. Please continue doing the things that keep you physically healthy but emotionally healthy as well.
-Christina Smith

To the Hurting Mothers

/ Christina R. Smith / Leave a comment

To the mother who has been labeled brave and strong but never set out to be –

   You are loved and you are not alone.

To the mother whose heart tells her one thing and photos tell her another –

         You are loved and you are not alone.

To the mother who never got to celebrate –

         You are loved and you are not alone.

To the mother who looks down through empty arms to the scars where life once lived –

         You are loved and you are not alone.

To the mother who stands at the grave to pour out her heart –

         You are loved and you are not alone.

To the mother who longs for a hug with arms that ache and are heavy –

         You are loved and you are not alone.

To the mother who wonders if her children will ever know the depth of her love for them –

         You are loved and you are not alone.

To the mother who worries that she will never make up for the mistakes of her past –

         You are loved and you are not alone.

To the mother who never planned to parent without a partner –

         You are loved and you are not alone.

To the mother whose home is tense and silent –

         You are loved and you are not alone.

To the mother who repeatedly believes she is not enough–

        You are loved and you are not alone.

To the mother who is barely scaping by on time, energy, and resources –

         You are loved and you are not alone.

To the mother who is so exhausted her hair hurts –

         You are loved and you are not alone.

To the mother who sings the songs just to remind her of the past –

         You are loved and you are not alone.

To the mother who juggles the schedule to fit in the doctors and the therapies –

         You are loved and you are not alone.

To the mother who lies awake desperate for a diagnosis –

         You are loved and you are not alone.

To the mother who cries out for mercy and answers –

         You are loved and you are not alone.

To the mother who is holding the hand of another that is fading –

         You are loved and you are not alone.

To the mother who is wrestling with trauma and working towards healing –

         You are loved and you are not alone.

To the mother who longs for reconciliation –

         You are loved and you are not alone.

To the mother who is trying to navigate the hard and unexpected –

         You are loved and you are not alone.

To the mother who mothers those not bound by blood or document –

         You are loved and you are not alone.

To the mother who wonders if she could have done more –

         You are loved and you are not alone.

To the mother who never imagined it would be this hard –

         You are loved and you are not alone.

There is One who promises to never leave you,

who promises to forgive,

who sees you completely and chooses to love you,

who would walk through a million fires to rescue you,

who sees you as significant,

who longs to hear your heart,

who is ready to comfort you,

who cares about every pain, every tear, every longing.

To the mother who is still wondering –

         You are loved and you are not alone.

End of the School Year Encouragement

/ Christina R. Smith / Leave a comment

My oldest son began school 6 years ago. Yet somehow, every year around this time, my emotions get stuck somewhere between the disbelief of “how are we already in this last month of school”, the frantic “how are we going to make it through this last month of school”, and the sentimental “how are my babies almost another grade older?”

Here we are. We’re in the homestretch.

Can you feel it?

Keep breathing cause you’re almost to the end.

Welcome to the last month of school.

We are all a little tired.

We are all a little emotional.

We are all a little scattered.

We are all a little anxious that next school year’s to-do list is going to look a whole lot similar to the one we put together at the beginning of this year…because… well…life.

We are all trying to work some serious calendar magic to fit in all of the year-end field trips, spring concerts, living wax museums, class parties, and sporting events.

Remember the start of the year? You determined that you’d surprise your kiddo for more lunches, you’d volunteer in the library, chaperone every field trip, and write encouragement notes regularly to your school staff.

Well again…life.

So you fell short. Forgive yourself and move on. Holding disappointment against yourself only means it’s more likely you’ll look for things to hold against others.

Can we please make a pact? Can we agree to see each other with compassion especially as our raggedness reveals even more of our imperfections? Can we agree to be quick to offer grace and slow to offer judgment?

Instead of judging the parent whose child stumbles out of their car still nibbling on a cold pop tart with untied shoes and an unzipped backpack, can we first remember that it’s the last month and applaud their effort to get to school?

Instead of wondering how another parent could send their child to school in pants that are two inches too short and a shirt that’s inside out, can we remember the stuff that really matters?

Can we make eye contact with those parents and smile with a smile that kindly acknowledges how we’ve been there too?

Instead of being angry at your child’s teacher for making a mistake on the graded schoolwork that was sent home, can we agree to take a breath and think of all the correctly graded papers sent home before this one? Can we remember that for every paper that comes home in our child’s folder, there are 25 other folders with those same graded papers?

Can we heap grace on the teachers who have lost the pep in their step and need four cups of coffee instead of their normal two to get through the day? And can we remember how challenging the previous part of their race has been?

Instead of denying your child the opportunity to spend the evening playing outside with friends, can we just skip the AR reading for the night and let them have a little freedom? It is the last month of school.

My kids are whining more. They are tired. They’ve had tests, and projects, and experiments, and standards to meet. They consistently wake up before the sun. They desperately want a string of days to sleep in. AND honestly, so do I.

Can we remember that the teachers, administrators, parents, and students are all working really hard to cross the finish line? And can we remember that we are all on the same team as we move toward that finish line? Teachers, administrators, parents, students.

Track meets may be one of my favorite sports to watch. It feels like there is little attention on who you are “against”. Whether you are the one coaching, the one running, or the spectator, your focus is on your team. You spend your energy doing what you can to see that your team crosses the finish line. Teammates cheer for one another. They encourage. They remind each other that they are proud of them.

My niece runs like a gazelle. It’s beautiful irony that she was actually born in Kenya. It is a joy to watch her run. She is very specific about what motivates her when she is running. She wants people to shout things like “you are awesome”, “you are doing great”, and “I am so proud of you”. She gets extra motivation when we shout “I love you, Hannah.” When she is in the race and focused on getting across the finish line, she wants to know that we see her efforts and are proud of how hard she is working.

Aren’t most of us like that? Especially when we are frayed and weary and just trying to cross the finish line. I know I am.

It’s the final month.

You are in the homestretch.

You are doing great!

I see your effort and know that you are working hard to cross the line.

You’re almost there…

Now, go find your teammates. They need you as much as you need them.

Are You in Need of Spring?

/ Christina R. Smith / Leave a comment

I love the spring.

I have lived all my life in the Midwest. Summer, fall, winter, spring. Summer, fall, winter, spring. Seasons are distinct. I am grateful for the contrast between them.

Winter is cold, snowy, sometimes muddy, and often grey. Generally by the end of winter, my body, mind and spirit are longing for the first signs of spring.

There is a patch of landscaping twenty feet outside my front door that is packed full of perennials. As the temperatures rise and as the sun begins to consistently show itself, my eyes are drawn to that patch of landscape when I walk past it. I scan the dirt, looking for spikes of green to poke up through the ground. I have confidence that it will come. The new life will eventually emerge, I am certain. It always does.

But as I look for sign of new life, I do not know when it will appear…I just know that it will. It eventually does…after every winter. So I keep looking. And the first time I spot the tiniest spike of green, I am grateful. It’s like the weight of the winter begins to fade at the sight of spring as I take in the hope of what’s to come.

I have experienced many winters in my life. Literal winters. Figurative ones. Times where all I can see is the cold, the muddy, the mess, and the grey. Experiences that have felt lonely, dark, filled with sadness and crushed hope.

I have friends and family who are currently feeling the impact of winter. They have experienced death. They have experienced loss. Disease has stolen from them. Broken promises have left their hearts shattered. They’re experiencing uncertainty. They are weary of the grey. Their energy is gone. They are tired but they can’t rest.  

They are in desperate need of spring.

It’s okay to hope for spring. It’s okay to look for it’s signs. In the dead of winter, we may feel as if the grey will never end. That the bitter cold will linger and linger and linger. But of this I am certain…the winter will not last forever. It never has.

Recently, God has been reminding me that he doesn’t waste a thing.

Not one tear.

Not one hurt.

Not one winter in my life.

And with that knowledge, I am looking for the signs of spring. I am looking for new life. I am looking for the sun to shine. I am trusting that the God who makes the green things grow, does not desire to leave us abandoned in the greyness of winter. I am trusting that the God who makes beautiful things out of dust and pulls us up out of the ashes, is more than able to do it over and over again in all of our lives.  

 

‘I give you all the credit, God – you got me out of that mess, you didn’t let my foes gloat. God, my God, I yelled for help and you put me together. God, you pulled me out of the grave, gave me another chance at life when I was down-and-out. God, my God, I yelled for help and you put me together. you did it; you changed wild lament into whirling dance; You ripped off my black mourning band and decked me with wildflowers. I’m about to burst with song; I can’t keep quiet about you. God, my God, I can’t thank you enough.’ Psalm 30:1-3, 11-12 (MSG)

A Message to Teachers at Christmas Break

/ Christina R. Smith / 2 Comments

Oh Dear Teachers –

You are almost there. We know you are weary. You have every reason to be. Keep hanging on. We see you and recognize there are a million and one reasons these days before break probably each feel like their own marathon. Know that there are so many of us cheering for you.

As I have engaged with more and more teachers over the years, I have only grown increasingly fond of you…as individuals and as a collective group. You have much to be proud of. You are shaping the minds of our future generations. Educating our future world changers. Planting seeds. Shaping dreams and paths of life. You are calling forth what is good and valuable in our children and encouraging those things to shine. You are modeling relationships and teaching about love and tolerance and forgiveness. You are providing a place that is safe and consistent. It is like a second home to our children.

You are like a mother, like a father, like another family to them. Your hearts are for them. All. Of. Them.

I see the way you want to provide the best for your students. You are fighting on their behalf. All of the budgeting of resources, of time, of money is for their benefit. A constant quest for what is best for them. A longing to ignite their minds while caring for their physical and emotional being.

I see the way you carry the worries of your students. While I know the struggles of one of your students (my own) and a handful of others, you know the struggles of an entire classroom and sometimes a good portion of the school. It must feel so heavy at times.

You’ve heard about mom’s illness. You’re pretty sure the cancer has come back with a vengeance. You make special efforts to make eye contact with your student and remind them that they are not alone.

You’ve heard about the yelling and fighting. You’ve learned that your student is staying with grandma “for a few days”. One of their siblings is with another family member. You greet them by name every time they comes into your room and remind them that the class just wouldn’t be the same without them.

You know about all of the appointments. All of the tests. You make arrangements to gather the assignments and help your student understand what they may be missing when they are gone. You wonder and wait for answers as to why the symptoms keep coming back. You do what you can to help them feel like a part of your class even though they are gone so often.

You see the little guy who walks into the classroom late most mornings. You know there are reasons. It disrupts the flow of your routine. You see him staring at the ground when he walks in. You know he is embarrassed and wished he could be on time like everyone else. You resist showing your frustration because you know that there are a multitude of factors outside of his control. You smile at him and tell him you’re glad he’s joined you.

You’ve read about the factory closing in town. The little guy whose dad works there sits in your front row. He tells you he’s sad because his dad no longer has a job and his mom is worried about their bills. You tell him that you’re sorry and attempt to convince him that parents always have a way of figuring things out.

You see the little gal whose joy has turned to sadness. You know how she used to practically dance as she walked down your hallways. You know something has changed but no one has shared with you the why. You wonder. You share jokes with her here and there in a quest to bring out the laughter you once heard from her.

You are teachers. You chose this profession years ago because you wanted to change the world…one child at a time. You are doing it. And sometimes changing the world in the ways you do, must feel really hard.

We see your hearts. You have loved them well. Thank you doesn’t seem quite adequate.

Now rest. It’s okay to let it go. To release the worries that you have carried for these children that you have poured into day after day. It’s okay to release yourself from their struggles. It means no less of the compassion you hold for them. As you leave for the holidays, it is okay to close the door to your classroom….literally and figuratively.

That you might be able to let go.

And. Find. Rest.

And. Seek. Peace.

In the stillness of the morning.

In the laughter o your home.

In the beauty of the snowfall.

In the familiar melodies.

In the connection with those you love.

In the story we celebrate.

And in the quiet of the night.

A Lesson from the White-Haired Couple at the Gym

/ Christina R. Smith / Leave a comment

This morning, I ended up with some unexpected time to walk the track at my local gym. This image was what I had the privilege of witnessing. A man and a woman caring deeply for one another. I walked for a long time. And so did they.

They gently held one another’s hand as they circled around and around the track. At one point, the husband had to let go of his wife’s hand to shed his sweatshirt since he had started to heat up a bit. And you know what he did once he put down his sweatshirt?

He reached right back out and held her hand again.

I’ll admit, my eyes filled with tears multiple times as I wondered about their journey together. Neither appeared as strong or as upright as I imagine they once were. I could see that their hands were gripping one another’s, but likely not as firmly as they once had because of their now tight and achy joints. Their pace was likely not as fast as it once was. Their gait was likely not as fluid. They leaned into one another to share thoughts as it seemed that their hearing also was not what it once was.

It was BEAUTIFUL, people.

At one point, I walked beside the couple and shared that I was blessed by observing their interactions with one another. They both smiled and the wife said, “We hold one another up to keep from falling.” We exchanged a few more words and I affirmed that their kindness and gentleness toward one another was inspiring.

Then, I walked away and my eyes began to fill again.

Maybe she had just shared with me her key to a strong partnership. Maybe she had just spoken truth about how we are to act toward one another.

Their message will stay with me.

The message from our brief verbal exchange, but even more so, the message from witnessing their gentle, protective, loving, compassion for one another.

“We hold one another up to keep from falling”.

Beauty.

True Beauty.

I am so grateful my eyes were open to see this beauty displayed right in front of me today.

May my eyes and ears remain open…looking…listening.

And may we heed the wisdom from this lovely lady and all find ways to hold one another up to keep from falling.

 

Empty Chairs at the Holidays

/ Christina R. Smith / 8 Comments

My all-time favorite musical is Les Miserables. And while Hamilton has entered the race for the top, Les Mis continues to be in the lead. Repeatedly, I am moved to tears as I watch the story of pain and redemption and longing and fulfillment unfold in this incredibly beautiful narrative.

At one critical moment in the musical, the French Revolution leader, Marius visits the café where just days before, he sat with his closest friends passionately discussing what mattered most to them. But on this day, Marius’ heart is burdened and broken. He stands now in the empty café with physical and emotional wounds, tearfully singing to and about his friends who had died just days earlier. Alone and overcome with grief, Marius sings these words:

There’s a grief that can’t be spoken.

There’s a pain goes on and on.

Empty chairs at empty tables

Now my friends are dead and gone.

 

Here they talked of revolution.

Here it was they lit the flame.

Here they sang about tomorrow and tomorrow never came.

 

Phantom faces at the window.

Phantom shadows on the floor.

Empty chairs at empty tables where my friends will meet no more.

                                                            -Empty Chairs at Empty Tables, Eddie Redmayne

 

Empty chairs….

The empty chairs at the place where Marius would gather with his community reminded him of what he had lost. His heart ached for another opportunity to sit and dream and connect with his people.

Conversations with friends and clients remind me that many of us have our own empty chairs. Holiday gatherings tend to shine a spotlight on them. For my family, there are the literal chairs where most of us can envision my aunt, my grandfather and my father sitting.

My aunt would stroll in with her veggie pizza, homemade potato salad, and cream cheese-filled pumpkin rolls. She’d talk about her excitement for Christmas decorations and Christmas movies. I can imagine the spot she’d most often choose to be. She’d sit there and tell stories about her most recent surgery, about the drama at work, or about her plan of attack for Black Friday shopping. There was often laughter coming from the area where she’d be stationed for the day.

My grandpa would show up with his store bought can of cranberry jelly. It was his favorite turkey topping and everyone knew this. He’d sit at the kitchen table most of the day. He wouldn’t say a whole lot and would eventually doze off. Inevitably, we’d eventually see him jump, awakened by his own sleep-snort-snore. He had a habit of getting up and heading home without really announcing that he was leaving. At some point, it all became a little endearing.

My dad would be carving the turkey when everyone arrived. He and my mom made it a joint effort most years. He’d always pull out summer sausage and jerky from the deer he had shot that season. Looking back now, I think he felt great pride in being able to offer it to our family. He’d sit in the living room where most of the family would gather. There was a specific green chair that most often was claimed as his. He loved listening to the conversations around him and throwing in jokes every now and then. Some of the jokes made us laugh and others made us wonder what he was even talking about. At some point, the football games would be turned on and he’d be right there cheering.

 Most of us have our own empty chairs. Maybe they are newly abandoned or maybe they have been empty for decades. Faces and memories flash through our minds as we prepare for the celebrations. Sometimes we just don’t know what to do with the emotions that accompany it all. And so we may be tempted to stuff it down, ignore it completely, or absolutely pretend.

 Please know that you have permission to feel. Find a safe way to do so. Let someone in. Allow others to share in the memories with you. Give them permission to feel just as you are giving it to yourself. Ask others to pray for you. Let them in. Allow them to carry the burden with you.

 Create space to remember. Before rushing from one engagement to the next to the next, sit and be still. Think about what it was like to have them there. Think about what they contributed to the celebration. Think about how they added laughter. Think about how they served in the seen and unseen ways.

Think about the others that will be gathered with you who have loved and lost as well. Know that the clumsy and awkward grief journey you are on, likely feels clumsy and awkward for them as well. Know that you’re on the journey together even though at times it may not feel so.

 Give yourself grace for the waves that may come crashing in. Remember that grief is like the ocean…and sometimes the waves are shallow and sometimes they feel intense. It’s normal even though it may feel a bit uncomfortable when it hits. Speak kindly to yourself…avoid wondering what is wrong with you or what others must be thinking. Grief should not be allowed to fuel shame.

Know that the empty chairs do not feel less empty when we pretend they do not exist. In fact, for most, this only makes the chairs feel more empty. It’s okay to acknowledge what was once there.

 Stop. Pause. Remember.

 May you be blessed as you do.

 

 

When Feeling Better Feels Scary

/ Christina R. Smith / 1 Comment

Recently, a woman sat across from me. I’ve known her off and on throughout her life. She’s traveled a difficult road. Like usual, I asked her how things were going in a particular area of difficulty in her life. In all honesty, I expected an answer like I had received many times in the past…something in the camp of “so so”, “not good”, or “the same”. But for the first time in a very long time, she answered with this word…“great”. I noticed. And she knew I had noticed. I could see it all over her face…shades of discomfort, embarrassment, and “Oh no, did I just say that?!”

Something had shifted. It wasn’t that her life had magically become easier. It wasn’t that the struggles had disappeared. The shift was one towards hope. Her answer was “great” because she had grabbed a hold of the possibility of something different. Having walked so much of the difficult road with this individual, I found myself fighting back a flood of tears watching her so bravely step into something unfamiliar to her. But at the same time as I was fighting back tears, I was also suppressing my urge to jump around the room in excitement. Knowing how vulnerable she felt, I chose to temper my reactions just a bit and landed somewhere between the two.

She was scared.

She had just stepped into a new territory of possibilities of good and hope and healing and being “great”. And while for some of us, that territory is the norm, for others it can feel as unsettling as standing in front of a crowd of people in your underwear.

Change is uncomfortable. Change means to make or become different. It is removing yourself from what you have most often known…from what has become familiar.

I see my friend moving into the “uncomfortable.” She’s stepping into change. She’s not getting a new job, moving into a new neighborhood or going back to school. But she’s doing something that takes just as much, if not more, courage.

And she’s scared.

She’s wondering what people will think of her if she smiles more, laughs more, holds her head up more, talks more or tells them she is ‘good’ instead of just ‘alright’.

She wants to walk in the light and no longer hide in the shadows. She is afraid of looking clumsy and awkward. She’s seen much of life through sadness and disappointment and controlling fear. Feeling good and the actions and words that accompany it do not feel natural to her. They cause her to feel that she is on display.

She wants to celebrate the change, but she feels timid. She wonders what people will expect from the her that is taking hold of the possibility of good and taking hold of the hope. She is afraid that she will disappoint and fall again.

She has grown familiar with assuming that her identity is her struggle. Without it, she is concerned that she will not know who she is. She is afraid that others will not accept or believe the changes in her…even when they are good. She wonders if there’s grace if some days aren’t quite “great”.

Tired. Grieving. Depressed. Lonely. Disappointed. Hurting. Sick. Broken-hearted.

Many of us have been there. We know what it’s like to feel stuck in it. We know what it’s like to walk around assuming these labels are plastered to our forehead. We can lose sight of the truth that the struggles do not equal who we are…even when we have grown oh-so-familiar with them.

Change is one of the bravest things I have witnessed. Embracing a new way of thinking and behaving and feeling takes audacity. Finding ways to express that you are walking in a new direction takes boldness. Experimenting with new language communicating hope and expectancy takes guts.

It may feel vulnerable.

It may feel awkward.

It may seem clumsy.

It may feel scary.

It’s okay. Just take one step at a time towards the change. And if you find that you feel like running towards it…go for it. 

Even though you may not believe it now…you are brave.

You are seen and you are loved and you are not alone.

Many are on a similar journey.  And we are cheering for you…

Being Present in Your Child’s Pain

/ Christina R. Smith / 6 Comments

When I was a 10 year-old girl, I lost a battle with a pot of boiling oil. In an attempt to make homemade corndogs, things went horribly awry and I ended up in a fight with an exploding grease fire. While it was incredibly scary to me at the time, I have grown to understand that the damage could have been exponentially worse.

My parents were at work. They were likely assuming their girls were enjoying the day off of school, the always-welcomed benefit of harsh Midwest winters. I am sure they didn’t expect the call from their frantic daughters who were at that point uncertain of the extent of the damage.

My parents rushed home, breezed past the lingering smoke, blackened ceilings and shriveled kitchen curtains, and found me with my hands submerged in water in the bathroom sink. After quickly assessing the situation, we jumped into the car and sped our way to our family doctor. I left the office knowing that the fire had miraculously missed my face while singeing my eyebrows, eyelashes, and bangs. About 40% of the top of my right hand received 2nd and 3rd degree burns. There were some additional spots up my arms but the major damage was to my right hand.

The next few weeks were full of pain and tears. My dad took on the job of changing my bandages. He had been a factory worker all of his adult life and had helped mend lots of minor cuts and burns throughout his time there. So it made sense for the task to land on him.

Since my father died in August of 2016, it seems that one of the strongest memories of my father is how he cared for me during those days following the grease fire. I remember day after day sitting on the couch with him. I’d cry and at times, I’d scream. He’d tell me he was sorry for the pain as he pulled away the gauze that seemed to be almost glued to the raw burned surface of my hand. He would blow cool air on my skin to ease the pain. He knew that the process was hurting me but he sat with me and cared for me nonetheless. I remember that he had to remove the bandage, allow it to air out for 20-30 minutes, apply the prescribed salve, and rewrap my hand. Over those 3-4 weeks, my father spent a lot of time focused on taking care of me and comforting me. I later learned how hard those days were for my dad and how many tears he fought back through the process.

Other vivid childhood memories with my father include times when he entered into the pain of my disappointment after not being chosen for a high school team…and when he entered into the pain of my sadness when some longtime friends started playing pranks on me that they thought were funny but I did not…and when he entered into the pain of my loneliness during the downward spiral of my first significant relationship.

My dad wasn’t a man of lots of words. His gift was always his presence. He showed up time and time again. He showed up for the exciting times…when I had lead roles or received awards. But he also and maybe more importantly showed up for the hard times…when my hands were burned…when my heart was broken…and when I needed to feel safe. He didn’t say much. Not that I recall. I just remember knowing that he was there when I was hurting.

These memories have impacted my parenting. They’ve caused me to consider what matters most to my own children.

As parents, I imagine that a lot of us at one time or another have assumed it is our responsibility to keep our children from pain. While, inarguably, I do believe we have a great responsibility to protect our children and provide safety and security for them, pain will inevitably enter the picture at some point. No one seems to be immune to pain. Maybe you have seen pain enter your child’s world through an unwelcomed diagnosis, through peer conflict, through a parent’s illness, through academic struggles, or through negative comments directed their way.

As parents, we can have the tendency to obsess about the ways we are falling short. Sometimes, we may even interpret our children’s pain as a result of our failure. Getting stuck in these beliefs will most likely lead you to being lost in your own shame and emotionally unavailable for your children.

Your child does not need your perfect words. They do not need your perfect answers. They do not need your perfect solutions. They do not live in a perfect world…and I am coming to learn more and more that the expectation of perfect words, perfect answers, and perfect solutions distracts us from what they do actually need from us…presence.

What I remember most about my dad are the times that he entered into my pain. I am grateful that he didn’t pretend that the pain didn’t exist. That he didn’t excuse the pain away as “not all that bad”. That he didn’t offer quick solutions. That he didn’t say a lot of “You should of’s”. What I remember most was his presence, and the comfort I felt from being seen in times of celebration and in times of heartache.

What I am saying is this…my dad was enough. He wasn’t perfect but his steady presence in the face of my emotional pain was enough. It was actually all I needed from him in those times. They are the memories I cling to now that he is gone.

The good news for us is this: What you have to offer your children is enough. You are enough. You will not keep them from the experiences of pain but you can offer them a place where they are seen and known and loved regardless of the bumps and bruises they display. Being a safe place when they experience pain today, means that they will grow in the confidence of knowing that you will be a safe place for them in the future. Once you find a safe place, don’t you always want to go back?

 

“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” – Maya Angelou